Whether you have a spouse, a domestic partner or just someone who is the current live-in love of your life, living with someone close can cause stress. Note, the ‘can’ not ‘must’. Interacting with someone with whom you have that kind of relationship introduces a variety of potential problems, but those don’t have to lead to stress – for either party.

Stress results when someone feels caught in a perceived, unresolvable conflict between “I must” and “I can’t”. They feel there is something they have to do, but are blocked from or don’t have the resources to do.

Close relationships, such as those with a spouse or ‘significant other’ inevitably bring many such problems. Individuals have unique values and interests, preferred lifestyles and even basic differences in pace or approach. Some men are very stoic, even when they’re not repressed. Some let the difficulties life presents ‘roll off their back like water off a duck’, others attack them head on.

Adjusting to the style of another person and dealing with the dozens of daily choices living together presents – especially when the preferences of one party conflicts with another – can be very difficult. But stress results most often when one or both of the two parties is unrealistic, unwilling to communicate or compromise, or are even downright unfair.

Sometimes the only solution is to part ways. But long before that happens, if the relationship is valuable, there are several ways to resolve conflicts that avoid chronic stress.

Acute stress is something of a misnomer. It generally refers to a stress that is short-lived, even though the word ‘acute’ can make the event sound severe. But whether minor or major, such episodes are all but inevitable in close relationships. Health problems, money concerns, conflicts with other family members, disagreements over child-rearing… there’s no end of possibilities.

But acute stress isn’t very harmful. The episode fades or a resolution is found and life returns to normal. When a series of problems occurs, and most importantly when individuals believe they don’t have what it takes to solve them, chronic stress can result.

But the way out, though not easy, is simple. There are, in fact, very rare circumstances that place us in situations that have no resolution. Very few people have no potential resources for resolving them.

No single, concrete event in raising children is all-decisive – with few exceptions. Many couples have worked successfully through times of low income or high debt, and often developed stronger relationships as a result. Most health problems are temporary. If life were nothing but a series of disasters we couldn’t cope with, insurance companies would go broke.

Reducing stress in relationships can be achieved by a series of techniques almost anyone can adopt. Evaluating problems objectively, looking long-term, reminding oneself and each other of the values that formed the relationship initially can go a long way toward lessening the perceived severity of problems.

That also helps build the awareness that sometimes the resource you need most to solve a problem is looking at you across the dinner table.

During the holiday season – Christmas, Hanukkah and others – people will often experience elevated levels of stress. But it need not be so.

There are, indeed, many pressures unique to the holiday season.

In many places, the weather makes it more difficult to get around and people are sometimes more physically uncomfortable. Those are minor in themselves, but when they persist over time they become elements in encouraging stress.

The desire and expectation of buying presents, sometimes for individuals you may not be very fond of but feel obligated to buy for, can add to the pressure. This is especially true for people on a tight budget, as many are. Crowded stores, clogged streets and a lack of parking spaces contribute as well.

These facts all bear marked similarities to more common factors in producing stress. Work responsibilities, for example, often bring deadlines that are difficult to meet and a lack of resources to meet them. Physical factors, such as health problems, commonly constitute a large percentage of stressors. Money worries are near the top of a lot of lists for those who experience stress.

Since the holiday factors are similar, they are subject to the same kind of ‘treatment’. Stress results from a perceived, unresolvable conflict between “I must” and “I can’t”. So, tackle these two factors head on during the holidays.

Ask yourself if you really ‘must’. Many families, for example, have a kind of raffle system in which one family member buys for another. That way, no one has the burden of buying multiple presents. Fewer obligations to meet means less chance for stress. Less money you have to spend means less to worry about.

Now tackle the “I can’t”.

Some people start gift buying and decorating earlier in the season. Others find it difficult to ‘get into the spirit’ long before the event. For the latter, try shopping online or going to more out of the way places. The trip may take a little longer, or require a little more searching, but the lower incidence of stress more than compensates.

Even if you don’t want to start shopping for the holidays in June, you can still do some planning that will help lower the occasion for stress. If your budget is small, start saving well ahead. Put a cap on what you are willing to spend and don’t let unnecessary guilt make you spend more or feel bad about spending less. Gifts should be voluntary, not obligatory.

Having more to do at a particular time of the year, when it may be more difficult to get it done, can represent a challenge. But a challenge only leads to stress when you place yourself in impossible dilemmas. Toss aside those dilemmas and declare your independence from stress.

‘She drove me to drink’ used to be a popular phrase. Its essential meaning is that stress induces people to consume alcohol. While it’s true that stress can be an incentive to drink, it’s equally true that heavy alcohol consumption causes stress.

Moderate alcohol intake, to be sure, can have beneficial effects. Research suggests that small amounts can even improve mental functioning and increase performance in problem solving while stressed. But, there are also studies that demonstrate that large quantities, particularly when consumed for long periods, actually worsens stress.

Large alcohol consumption stimulates the hypothalamus, pituitary and adrenal glands. One result is an increase in the amount of cortisol produced within the body. Another is an increase in adrenaline. Both those, while they don’t alone cause stress, play a large role in the symptoms.

Extreme stress makes it more difficult to concentrate. One of the obvious effects of high alcohol intake is to produce that exact effect. Thus, heavy drinkers get a double whammy just at the moment they need mental clarity most.

Other studies suggest that chronic drinkers have symptoms similar to those seen in children with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Children of those drinkers, this research concludes, have a higher incidence of actual ADHD.

So, it may also be true that as much as the stress of parenting may lead to drinking, adult drinking may encourage the circumstances that incent the parent to drink. It may be a factor in producing children’s symptoms that lead to adult stress.

Exercise is known to help relieve the symptoms of stress. Unfortunately, one of the additional results of excessive alcohol consumption is decreased exercise. Few inebriated people want to go a few rounds on the weight machine.

Similarly, high alcohol intake suppresses appetite. Thus, at the same time alcoholic drinks pour in the calories, they decrease the incentive to maintain a healthy diet. Once again the drinker experiences a doubly negative reinforcing effect.

Those who drink excessively to escape stress motivated by money concerns find it more difficult to cope with the problem that caused the stress in the first place. Even simple tasks like balancing a checkbook are clearly more difficult when drunk. But beyond such minor details, the cognitive functions needed to develop long term strategies are impaired. Drinkers literally can’t think their way out of the problems causing the stress.

In all these cases there is a vicious cycle established. Stress encourages heavy drinking, which makes it more difficult to deal with the internal and external factors that led to stress in the first place. Though the specific numbers will vary from person to person, when the average individual drinks more than the equivalent of two or three shots of whiskey per day, the results are inevitably bad.

The key to breaking this vicious cycle is to seek alternative methods for dealing with stress. Both the symptoms and the underlying motivators are subject to change in almost all cases. Proper exercise and diet is a good beginning. A realistic attitude about life’s inherent challenges can go a long way, as well. But, as with any psychological problem, admitting it exists is the first necessary step.

Being placed in situations that demand the impossible almost inevitably lead to stress. Unrealistic deadlines to meet useless goals, enforced by unreasonable managers – are an all too common scenario. But individuals who find themselves in such circumstances still have options.

There are a dozen small, stress-relieving exercises that can help ease the symptoms while working toward the long-term cure. Stress produces a number of well-documented physiological effects like muscle tension, shallow breathing and compromised immune system. To combat these, you can take direct action.

Take a few deep breaths, slowly. No need to go into some kind of Zen state, just allow yourself to expand the chest and relieve tension around the center of the body. Stretch the arms and shoulders. Gently work the head from side to side. Flex the calves.

Take a few minutes to work on your mental processes as well. Stress often inhibits the ability to focus or concentrate effectively. It decreases memory retention on needed items because the irritation causes focus to shift to the fact of being angry.

While you’re breathing deeply, close your eyes and meditate for a couple of minutes. Again, that doesn’t require any form of deep relaxation, just a moment to let the external world go. At the same time, you don’t want to focus solely on the anger or stress you’re feeling. Focus on an internal image of something pleasant – a child’s face, the family dog, a great golf swing, anything that works for you.

Now that you’ve tackled the symptoms, go after the roots of the problem.

Many choose to start their own businesses. That choice brings with it a whole new set of challenges, but the overarching benefit is the freedom to meet them. You’ll find yourself working long hours with little recognition. But, even in the absence of large external rewards, the internal rewards – the satisfaction, the feeling of being the ‘commander of your own ship’ – is frequently cited as a major incentive for those who keep trying.

Many others will try to work for positive change within their current organization. Even when those efforts are only partially successful, individuals report that they gain satisfaction from the knowledge that they are not simply accepting their unpleasant fate passively.

You can make efforts to transfer to another job within the organization, or look forward to the day when that unreasonable boss will have moved on. Remember, very few things in any company stay the same for more than six months to a year.

While you’re waiting for better circumstances, focus on the process less than the results. Keep a realistic attitude about what is and what is not within your control. Try not to let the latter matter very much. Seek out the cooperative individuals in the company and don’t burden yourself with trying to change the others.

By all means, let off some steam to trusted friends and family members outside work. At work, stay focused on the task.

Working with people that have mental illnesses can be very challenging. I have been a social worker for many years. Part of my job is to help people access services within their community. At times this means bring services to the person or family with in home services and other times it means setting up appointments at community mental health centers or private practice offices.

In metro areas this is much easier to do because there are many providers of mental health services and public transportation to get the client to the appointment. In the rural area where I work this is a greater challenge. The services are not as readily available and there is not any public transportation. For this reason in home services are used more often in the rural areas, even if this may not be the best choice for the client.

There are many factors to consider when looking for services for clients. The main factor to consider is their diagnosis. The clients that have social anxiety disorder often prefer in home services because they do not need to leave their home, this is why it is not the best service for them. Part of effectively dealing with social anxiety disorder is facing the fears that the client has. It is more difficult for them to do this if they are not taken out of the comfort zone of their home. For my clients that experience social anxiety disorder I find as many reasons as possible to make them go out into the community. I ask them to meet me in my office, I have them set up their own volunteer drivers and I accompany those that are parents to their children’s school events.

The main thing I do is not to take no for an answer. I disregard their excuses and honestly and openly talk about their anxiety. People with social anxiety disorder experience physical symptoms. The symptoms vary from person to person and can include diarrhea, vomiting, racing heart rate, perfuse sweating, bloody noses, headaches and a number of other symptoms. The severity of the symptoms varies, but they are real. Instead of just accepting the statement that the person does not feel well I discuss the symptoms.

I problem solve how they can take care of themselves when they are out in public. We review where the restrooms are. We locate the exits for the space we are in and sit close to one. I keep a conversation going to keep their thoughts occupied. Social anxiety disorder can be crippling for those that experience it, but it is also one of the easier mental health issues to address, especially if you have someone that is willing to walk you through social situations.

Gradually the goal is to have the person go out on his or her own. When I do this I require them to bring me the program from an event or a brochure from an office visit.

Few things in life can lead to chronic stress as readily as parenting. But it need not be so. While raising children definitely requires more patience than any other activity, over a wider range of circumstances and for longer periods of time, it need not be a source of chronic stress. Challenges, yes. Stress, no.

Stress is a mental and physical condition that occurs when there is an unresolvable conflict between “I can’t” and “I must”. Neither of these two components is inevitable in parenting. There are many circumstances in which a parent will want very much to achieve a particular outcome. That’s the “I must” part. And, there are certainly many situations in which you throw up your hands and say “I can’t”.

But very few goals are so fundamental and so long-term that they should be regarded as overwhelmingly important. If they’re not overwhelmingly important, it isn’t necessary to be overwhelmed when striving for them.

Neither do the two components have to occur together. Sometimes, in fact, it will be true that you can’t achieve a particular goal. Realism is essential in parenting, just as it is in every other aspect of life. It’s also true that there are truly very few ‘musts’ in parenting. A great many goals are desirable, even worthy. Some are even noble. But very few are mandatory.

Educating children, for example, is difficult and hugely important. But no single school, at any age, is essential to a successful life. There are always options. Sometimes those require making difficult and unpleasant choices. It may require relocating, looking for alternative schools or even homeschooling.

But those choices need not lead to stress. Taking choices seriously doesn’t have to lead to chronic worry, insomnia, feelings of helplessness or continual irritability – all common signs of stress. It’s possible to regard a goal as important without concluding that one doesn’t have the resources needed to achieve it. Even when you don’t, you can often acquire or develop them.

Using education as an example again, many parents worry over how to pay for a good college for their son or daughter. But there are more ways to finance that now than there are methods for financing a house. Though, admittedly, the two are becoming about equal in cost!

Few parenting dilemmas are as potentially stress-inducing as a child who simply will not listen, particularly when their behavior is unruly or even violent. Here, too, there are rarely any quick fixes. But, as with any thorny problem, an attitude of confidence in one’s ability to find answers, and a view to the long-term, will go a long way toward minimizing stress.

When the resources for solving that issue aren’t immediately at hand, a confident parent will look for them wherever they can be found – friends, grandparents, counselors, Internet sites. You’ll find others have tackled the same problem.

Stress need only come into the equation when you come to believe that there is simply ‘no way’ to solve a problem you ‘must’ solve. Tossing away both those false alternatives leaves you still with a problem, but not that which only adds to the burden – stress.

Contemporary society presents many circumstances that can encourage stress for teens. One of the chief potential stressors is often found right at home: parents.

That’s not to say parents cause teen stress. Even teens are self-responsible individuals, within the realm of actions open to them. And that’s the key to some of the sources of teen stress. They are sometimes given too much freedom, in other areas too little.

Setting a developing person adrift among the variety of choices available in modern, complex society is a near guarantee for stress. That reaction is fundamentally the result of a perceived, unresolvable conflict between “I must” and “I can’t”. In many cases, it is indeed true that the teen can’t.

No one could reasonably expect a fourteen year-old to know how to negotiate the maze of challenges the modern world offers without good guidance. Few are equipped by parents or nature to do so at that age. One isn’t born knowing how, for example, to earn money, raise babies and deal with adult life – and that knowledge is rarely attained by age fourteen.

But it’s also true that teens are not children. They are very self-aware, have complex systems of values and have some knowledge of the world. They have the ability to begin to exercise their powers independently. When that independence is stifled, opportunities to test guesses and solve problems is stunted.

The results of both these false alternatives – independence in the sense of being totally abandoned to one’s own devices, and lack of independence in not being allowed to make choices and deal with the consequences – will inevitably result in stress.

The former leaves the teen in the position of having to solve problems they simply aren’t ready to solve. The latter makes it extremely difficult for them to gain or expand their ability to solve them.

Teens will often implicitly recognize this when they complain to parents ‘You never let me have my way’, or, “I’m old enough to make my own decisions”. Some parents react dogmatically by declaring that they will make those decisions, others err on the other side by simply throwing off all restraint and allowing the teen to ‘sink or swim’.

Knowing when to do one, when to do the other is every parent’s challenge. But the teen can help themselves and the parents out of this dilemma – and in the process save themselves much needless stress.

Just as they are not children, teens are not adults. But they can improve their situation by demonstrating the first and emulating the second. Paradoxically, voluntarily reaching for responsibility is one very effective way to minimize stress before it builds.

Though responsibility can lead to stress – if met with resentment or fear rather than confidence and persistence – it can also help build those skills needed to head off stress before it grows. When the responsibilities are those the teen is actually, with effort, able to handle the result is confidence building.

The surest way to decrease the stress that comes from fear of failure or of dealing with stubborn parents is to successfully tackle the challenges of school, home responsibilities and other hurdles. Sometimes that will require starting over after initial failure. Teens will learn practical knowledge from undertaking the challenge and build psychological strength from making the attempt.

In the fast-paced world nearly everyone lives in today, stress is an ever-present possibility. Just-in-time manufacturing, instant news from around the world, computers and a host of other modern technologies are a great benefit. But along with them comes quicker deadlines, instant notification of bad news and more communication to deal with.

But no one is going to slow down the world, nor would many of us want to. At the same time, it’s helpful to realize that with more technology comes more options. Some of those options allow us to find new ways to deal with the internal and external factors that can form the basis of stress.

You may be unlucky enough to have a boss who imposes unreasonable deadlines to meet pointless work milestones. But many have the option now to telecommute, work flexible hours and take extended leave for pregnancy and other family situations.

There may be myriad challenges in the modern world, but there are a variety of new tools to deal with them. Computers can pile up work faster, but they also allow us to get more done with less labor. They also enable us to find those with similar interests who may live thousands of miles away. In decades past, that would have been nearly impossible, except for the occasional convention in a distant city.

Psychology, though still in its infancy as a science, is starting to compile a set of good data on neurobiology, nutrition and a host of other factors relevant to stress. Figuring out useful treatments from this bewildering array of studies will take time, but progress is being made.

Sports and diet have become much more scientific than they were a generation or two ago. As tools to fight stress, exercise and a proper diet are now recognized as twins in one of the most effective strategies for combating stress.

While millions still work hard, basics like housing and food, transportation and medical treatment constitute a smaller percentage of income for most than they did in generations past. It’s not uncommon for two-driver families to have more than two vehicles today.

Certainly there is no shortage of potential stressors. To listen to the nightly newscast is to see a picture of a world about to come apart at the seams. And, yet, we endure. It may be that there is more to the lives most people live than we see on the TV.

Dealing with difficult problems is, well, difficult. But that need not lead to stress. That results from a viewpoint that sees the dilemma between “I must” and “I can’t” as unsolvable. But there are many more methods available today to overcome “I can’t” and much more freedom to deny that “I must.” Toss the dilemma aside and declare your independence from stress.

To most people ‘stress’ brings to mind something unpleasant. But many psychologists write about stress as something that can have positive effects. Why the confusion? The reasons lie in how an individual evaluates his or her own mental and physical state.

Some examples may help to make the point clear. Imagine two people, one a champion skier in the Olympics, the other a college senior about to take a final math test. The skier has been training most of his life for the contest, the senior has hardly studied at all.

From a purely physiological perspective both are going to be experiencing similar effects – rapid heartbeat and breathing, higher metabolism, active sweat glands and so forth. Psychologically, there are also similarities – higher concentration on the present and thoughts about the next few minutes, vivid images and heightened sensitivity to feelings.

But there are key differences, at least psychologically. The skier is exhilarated, ready for the challenge, and eager to show his prowess and win the contest. The senior feels doubt and fear.

In both cases it’s reasonable to say that the two young men are under stress. You could also say they are feeling stressful. But the differences are important. The skier evaluates his situation as presenting a challenge he wants to take on and believes himself ready to tackle. The senior knows he is inadequately prepared and projects the consequences of his likely failure, a lowered grade and maybe the need to retake the class.

In both cases the young men are uncertain about the outcome, but each evaluates the odds of success differently. Each might also judge the outcome of failure differently.

The skier may wind up with only a Silver medal. That might be disappointing but in the Olympics, the number two spot can still lead to lucrative endorsements and a good future. The senior may see his chances for getting into a good graduate school diminishing. He may have to retake the class before he can even graduate.

Of course, the examples are very oversimplified. But the pattern is roughly right. Whether you feel stress or elation can often turn on how you evaluate external circumstances and your own inner state.

So there are actually two meanings of the word ‘stress’ that sometimes get mixed together. One refers simply to the heightened awareness and the physiological symptoms described above. The other is essentially equivalent to the combination of worry and those symptoms. The latter can have negative health consequences, since those symptoms can be physically harmful. But since humans are both mind and body and the two aspects affect one another, the psychological part is just as important.

If you are having problems with your short term memory, there may be many reasons why this is happening. There could be an underlying medical condition, but there are times when it is just that you aren’t using your mind enough.

  You may think just fine, but you might not be exercising your brain in other areas. If you do the same things day in and day out at your job, you may find that your brain is good at what you do, but you may lack in other areas. The brain needs workouts just as much as the rest of your body does.

Short term memory loss can mean other things. If you are a parent of teenagers, you should watch out for signs of this. There are some children who get mixed up in the wrong things. If they show signs of losing their short term memory (more than normal for them, anyway) you should consider something is going on. Though it might just mean that they are not getting enough rest, which is common for teenagers, there might be something else going. One of the signs of drug abuse is the loss of short term memory.

You should never jump to conclusions though. Loss of short term memory alone is not enough to go by. You should know the other signs of drug abuse so that you know what to look for. You might think this is something that your children would never do because they are good students or because they play a lot of sports. That assumption has been a problem for a long time. Any child is vulnerable if they are pushed enough by their peers. Know all of the signs, and then react when appropriate.

There might be other reasons why short term memory loss occurs. Though there is usually nothing to worry about, and it might just be something that goes away or is coming from stress, any spans of memory loss that seem to drag on should be checked out by a doctor.